Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Habits - The Good and Bad in Me

Habits are hard to break. I remember as a child I always slept with my belly down and back up. I'd hold on to my pillow from underneath it with my left hand and turn my head towards the right. I usually slept with my face facing, total emptiness or a wall. Somehow, it gave me a sense of "Peace" and "Freedom of Sleep", so I could make as many or as little expressions I wanted, unknowingly as I slept (a funny concept). If somebody would sleep next to me I generally wouldn't face that way. I have felt this exact same way over all the past years growing up and continue with the same routine every night and feel no less different. When morning came, the first thing I'd do is to get up and go straight to the mirror and comb my hair. I'd throw an usual "it's a new day" smile at the mirror and it reflected right back at me. I was always happy. I loved (still love) sleeping late, to be honest, I'm not a morning person at all. Came Sundays, I'd sleep my ass off but until weekends (my glory days) came, mum always patrolled me and made sure I get up by 6 a.m. every morning.  Some days when i was reluctant to obey her morning call, she'd purposely switch off the darn fan and in the hot summer days, I had no option but to get the hell up!! I have a typical Asian family and what I mean by this is regardless of the weather, whether there was a hailstorm outside or raining cats and dogs or crazy hot, I had to go to school. Period. As a kid, my Mum dropped me off to the bus stop every morning. In 7th grade I won the "Cent Percent Attendance Award". It was an achievement for being present every single day of Academic year 2005-2006 (Holy cow!! how did I manage to do that when now I bunk at least one class everyday!!). Come to think of it, my mum has always been my rock and even though I hated being forcefully dragged to school, she always wanted the best for me.

I remember when we were toddlers in kinder garden they'd ask us to write cursive writing on those one of a kind thin booklets with a pencil. We had to make sure that every letter was written exactly the same way as the top most example sentence. Soon when I went to middle school I was so glad because we were introduced to write with a pen.. (oh the joy of being a kid..!!). Writing with a pen was a tremendous deal for me. I would ask my mum or dad to take me to the stationary shop at least twice a week so I could buy a pen of my choice. I had this crazy collection of Chinese "Wing Sung" fountain pens. I had them of different nip variants and colors. The white ones were the prettiest . The unusual thing about writing with a pen was, I'd normally put the cap of the pen on top of the pen and start writing. It was pretty unusual because the other kids in my class and my friends, everybody I knew but a very few wrote the way I wrote. Surprisingly, I still write the same way as before and when I'm questioned I simply say "That's just my Thang!!" with a smile. Also, I am very sure only a few people go haywire and totally nuts, when they walk into the stationary store (Staples/Crossword/Landmark) and I'm sure a very few kids would choose a pen over a bag of chips or chocolate. Poor me, not just any other shopaholic but a 'stationary' one. I guess its nothing to be ashamed of..? Don't judge me right away guys, needless to say, like every other girl even I love dressing up and going crazy over clothes and accessories and I hate meeting people when I'm not properly dressed. Not even God could change that (lol).

I've always had bad habits and gradually I have come to tame them. You see, I have always been healthy all my life. What I mean by that is as a kid I was one of those who fell in the chubby lot. While growing up, all through school years, even though I was eating a lot I kept myself (well somewhat) fit by playing a lot of sports amongst which basket ball, taekwondo  and badminton were my favorite. Me and my team mates would stay back after school and practice everyday. Some days I had taekwondo classes even at night, in a local stadium, where my teacher taught us all together. My teacher was very dear to me. He was the one who taught me "Kako, learn to say no!". Nonetheless, I'd go back home and gulp  2000 cal, or more, there was no problem. Dog days were soon over when I was officially done with school and I stopped playing all the sports. Things were not the same. It took me a while to understand that I couldn't eat as much as I wanted any more. I couldn't throw my temper tantrums by impulsive eating anymore. To be honest, I am a very moody person and when I'm angry or sad, it doesn't take me too long to step out of my house with my messy hair and PJ's and get myself a whole box pizza or fling a burger or two or drink a liter of coke, all on my own. Needless to say, food is one of my favorite things in the world. So, just to avoid that (impulsive eating), it takes me a lot of patience and self understanding, self consoling and "is it all worth it?" pointers to bring me back down to my normal state. If I'm at home I either go off to sleep or take a soothing bath and if I'm out, I just walk away from the scene causing my disruptive emotions. That's probably the easiest thing to do and it works for me. I calm my self down with a cup of green tea and soon I'm back to normal. I know I can't break my bad habits but I sure try and prevent myself from situations that might lead them to occur. The same goes for people turning to alcohol for comfort rather than food. In my opinion, obsessions are bad habits and can be very dangerous. Have an obsession only if you know how to control it. The problem is, most of the time, obsession controls you rather than you controlling it. 

Over the years I have come to realize that people surrounding a person definitely, a cent percent,  contribute in the habit making process of that person. If you have been through rough times growing up like me, if you've had bad times in the family or school, if you didn't get along very well with your friends in your teens, you've been through bad break ups in the past and have seen constant hardships, whatever the reason is, we probably share this same 'impulsive eating disorder' as they fancily say. We are sensitive to situations and fragile on the inside but tough on the outside. To be honest, I think we are the most understanding people on earth. We can relate to other people, understand their nature and are sometimes judgmental but that's just for our own sake and now that we are what we are, I'm sure most of us are likable and trustworthy. That's just us, as much as the world tried to pull us down we continued to stand back up again. There is a reason why we are alive and that reason is solely us. So, be proud of being you. Say thanks to those people who meant you harm, that you stand like an unshakable concrete wall against them unbreakable and strong.

I truly believe, the day you'll start living out of intention rather than habit will be the day you'll truly be happy. As for my good habits are concerned I wouldn't change a thing (haha) and my bad habits, I'm only concerned with preventing them for occurring. So carry on with your good attributes and work on your bad ones. Choose and intent to be a better person everyday not just for the people who matter but most importantly for YOU. This is the way I see life and these are the good and bad in
me. I wouldn't have it any other way.

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